Still Growing...

Hello, my friends!

Well, it's been an interesting first week of school. I missed my first class I've EVER missed. That was hard... but it meant that I got to see Sandburg, which was nice. I also got to see my doctor, which wasn't so nice, but that is neither here nor there.

I'm still struggling with being honest about how I'm feeling. I admitted to myself, at least, that today I wanted someone to comfort me... yet I was unwilling to take the step which would provide me comfort. I mean, for me, to even want to cry with someone there: Big deal. To not reach for someone is unnatural, though. Obviously, I'm not where I should be, but patience will out.

Continue to pray for me, my friends :). I love you all.

TM

Progress for the Sake of Progress?

Well, I opened up, recently, about the pain I've been going through, so I figured I might as well give an update :).

My health has been much worse, in the past week, than it was before I asked for prayer. I'm actually in enough pain that I have very little to no appetite. I'm having to force myself to eat so that I don't pass out or anything. I'm drinking an enormous amount of water, though, so that keeps me hydrated.

In spirits, I have been extremely well. God has blessed me so much, and I honestly feel no need to complain. I continue to seek the strength of God throughout this, and I hope you will all continue to keep me in your prayers :).

Love to you all! (S)

Growing Up

Some of my friends are aware of my great struggles, these past several months, with dreadful pain and health. I am used to pain, because it is pretty much a way of life to me. It is a rare day when I don't hurt; however, I have recently been in much worse shape than usual. I feel like Satan is really fighting me. He knows that I prefer to hide my pain, and the more I try to hide it, the more I suffer. The more I suffer, the more I have to hide. It's a vicious cycle, and it is very much due to two things which I somehow came to accept as truths in my life:

1) Pain is something I will always have to live with. It is my way of life, and there is nothing I can do about it.
2) If other people know about my pain, they will also suffer; I must do all I can to hide my pain, thus allowing others to live without sharing in my suffering.

Through lots of prayer and talk with some friends - one in particular - I have come to realize that there are two things which are true, and they cancel out those things which I had accepted as truth:

1) Pain does not have to be a way of life. If God chooses to let me witness through my pain, so be it, but I should not automatically accept that without His expressed guidance.
2) When I am suffering, I can not do it alone. People were made to nurture and help one another. We are even told to bear one another's burdens. How can we do that if we are not truthful about our burdens?

So - Here's the deal. I need help. I need you to pray for me. Satan really wants me to feel weak and alone when I know in my heart that there are many brothers and sisters out there who are willing to help me through this. Honestly, I am tired of the pain... feeling alone... especially when I know that being alone is an illusion :).

Criticising Consistent Conformity in the Community

I was talking to Amy, the other day, about loyalty. She was telling me that there seemed to be one constant among her friends: The ones who were members of gangs were better friends than those who she met in college. I considered this… Why would this be true? There is a very simple answer.

First, let’s consider the schooled individual; we’ll call this teenager Mandy. Mandy is raised in a home with two siblings and parents who both work. It isn’t a dysfunctional family, but neither is it cohesive. She goes to school, where she is taught that she can accomplish anything if she puts her mind to it. When she is old enough to go to college, she is told how great an individual can become. Feminism is put in the spotlight, and she learns about her personal rights and how to put those to use. When she graduates, with her degree in hand, she gets a successful job. She might not be a lawyer, but she is confident in herself… and shallow. She has been raised to believe in the power of the individual, and because of this, she will not be able to form symbiotic relationships.

Now, let’s focus on the gang member; we’ll call him Joe. Joe is raised in a dysfunctional family. Neither of his parents have high school degrees, and they don’t have great jobs, but they make due. In high school, Joe finds that the only place he feels comfortable is with others like him - the poor kids with troubled families. Come to find out, these people he gets close to are actually part of a gang. He feels so welcome there, he does what he can to become initiated. After this, he decides he really doesn’t need the schooling he thought he did, so he drops out and spends all his time with his friends. He is confident in himself because he is part of a family. He believes in the power of an alliance, and he knows he is backed up by his brothers even if it means death or imprisonment.

This is not meant to downplay a good education or to glorify the life of a gang. It is meant to point out that strength is in numbers - not the individual. The individualism that is taught, today, is creating people that have their point of view, and they defend it to the teeth without much regard of others. They give the whole speech about ‘Freedom of opinion’ when they don’t even allow you to disagree with them. When grasping their way to the top of the totem pole, there is little thought are worry about who they might hurt to get there, because it is all about them. When you are in a gang, there is functionality and alliance because there is a hierarchy, and there is the ‘brothers’ connection. You’ve seen, I’m sure, how so many young adults will call each other ‘brother’ without being related in any way. This is because they are a cohesive family. With the individualist, there is no family; only self. In the gang life, no matter how difficult things are going, loyalty is key, and if you aren’t loyal to your gang family, you pay for it.

This ties into the problems of the dysfunctional church. The best churches are the ones where the people are family. If someone comes to visit, they feel welcomed. Familial churches will often adopt someone who comes to more than two services. This is why church hopping can be so damaging. You can’t hop through gangs; you would get shot. When churches begin the individual thinking, that is when they split. In the church that is a family, there may be disagreements, but those are taken care of, usually, without bloodshed.

Yes: It is good to have an education. No: You do not have to be a gang member to have good friends. Yes: Individualism causes more problems than it fixes. No: You don’t have to take my word for it. The crumbling society around us speaks for itself.

Compassion and Integrity

How is the chief end of Man to be accomplished? (I do not feel the need to be politically correct, here). What is the chief end of Man? As many in the church have probably heard at least once, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. In layman's terms: This should be the goal of a man's life.

I was recently having a conversation with my friend, David, about the legacy that a person leaves behind. I was commenting on the disappointment I sometimes felt at being recognized for the things I could do rather than the way I lived. I mean, yes, I can sing pretty well... I'm good with special needs children... I'm a hard worker. So David posed this question: What did I want people to remember about me when I was gone? What legacy did I want to leave behind? I told him the following: I want to be known for the passionate love I have for people. I want to be known for my honesty, compassion, and integrity.

As I thought about this to myself, this week, I found myself wondering if those following things really are meant to be my legacy. Sure, it would be nice to have people think well of me, but is that what God wants? Does He really care? When applying the exact characteristics I mentioned, the answer is yes and no. Yes, God wants us to leave behind an example of goodness - An example of His Son. No, it should not simply be our legacy. If I am known, when I die, as this person who could love so deeply and live with such integrity, it should be because of Who I lived in honour of. To glorify God, we live in the glorious, mirror image of His Son.

Now, the hard part. You think living righteously is hard, trying actually enjoying yourself! Okay - so it really shouldn't be that hard. In fact, I find it quite easy to enjoy God. This might mean different things for different people. For me, to enjoy God is to live with rapturous joy in the blessings He has provided me. Sometimes, I revel in the beautiful earth He has given me. People often tease me of my obsession with clouds... I love them because, to me, they boldly declare the wonders of God. Sometimes, I bask in the company of people that God has placed around me. I may not talk much, but just to be around people I love fills me with inexpressible joy. Sometimes, I sit in His sanctuary, wherever it may be at the moment (For Jesus has provided many forms of a sanctuary), and spend time in His Word. To enjoy God, enjoy what He has given you! Do not question Him, asking why He would give you something you do not deserve. Is that not like apologizing profusely? Praise the Lord for His gifts, whether they be wonders in nature, the people around you, the food on your plate! Whatever He has given, He has given to be enjoyed by His people.

I challenge you to live with integrity and joy in Christ. What better legacy can we leave?

TM

Help!

I have been thinking about a new post - three, actually - and I am unsure of where to start. So... I figured I would put these three ideas into a post and ask the opinion of my invisible readers. Which do you think I should write on, first? Second? Last?

1) The idea that all men die of unnatural causes.

2) The importance of attending ONE church - not church-hopping.

3) How the chief end of man is to be accomplished.

TM

So Many Thoughts!

I realized, with shame, that I have not posted anything new for almost a year! Actually... Benny pointed it out. That makes me even more ashamed :(.

Oh, well! It's time to make it up to my nonexistent readers! :).

SO much has happened. A whole year of school, for instance. Also, a lot of important decisions have come into place: Majors, future education, relationships, work, etc. It has been totally crazy.

My fourth and final semester at Sandburg has been both my easiest and my hardest. I have taken all classes that I truly love, and that made it easy; however, I did take 18 or 19 hours. That is a lot of English and Music! I took two independent studies, which was a very big part of the great amount of time I have not had :). Tim also got a new job, this past year, so his teaching instruction in the music department was replaced by James Hutchings, who is, quite frankly, amazing. I feel like I have progressed with him, developing my musicianship, more than with most other music teachers I have had - at least equal with all of them. I wish I could take more from him, but I don't see that happening :). I'm also sad to leave Mr. Burdick, who has been my steady anchor through both years of school. He told me that I took more of his classes than any student he had ever had. I was fortunate: I took six :). He spent the first year trying to convince me to change my major to English, which I did end up doing, to his great pleasure.

In my work life, I still work with Steven, one of my dearest loves and joys. I find myself more inspired by him every day. He reminds me to forget yesterday and do my best at the moment I am currently living :). I work with him again, this Summer, my fourth Summer with him. I am hoping to introduce him to several people, too, who have heard me speak of him.

In my spiritual life, I have recently have several epiphanies which cannot be spoken plainly, I do not think; however, God has been steadfast and patient with me. It has been a hard year, and I would not have made it without the shadow of His right hand.

In my personal life, I have made many new friends - more than I ever thought I would - and I think several of them are forever friends. I am thinking of a couple in particular: David and Benny. Hopefully they will be known better to my other friends and family in future. There are, of course, other friends to be known! Ian, Nathan Scott, Gracie, Er!ka, Cleopatra (Edward), Brandon, Nate, Lanae, Reed, Dan, Beth, Stephenie, and the list goes on! I love people :).

That is all I will write for now. I will try my hardest to keep up with this. If I forget, my nonexistent readers will, I'm sure, put a bug in my ear :).