If I Could Go Back

I dreamed, last night, that I went back in time to when Benny and I met. I don't know how I did it, I only know why. There were some things I thought I could do better – like communicating with more honesty and openness and being less assuming about what he was like before I actually knew him.

There were some problems with my plan. 

First of all, I was the only one who knew what would happen between us. Having already gone through our courtship-of-sorts, engagement, and two and a half years of marriage, I was completely aware of where we would be headed. This knowledge robbed our relationship of what I think was its most unique and essential aspect: Benny pursuing me with no idea of romance or a crush. He had noticed me, he has said before, because of my being a lady, and that had encouraged his approaching me. When I went back, I was the one pursuing him. I knew already what would happen if he pursued me, so why shouldn't it work the other way around? If you know Benny very well at all, you can imagine the disaster that turned into. He is so slow and careful in his decision making, he was not at all receptive to my taking charge, nor did this allow his need to fight for me to take place. That would be difficult for any man.

One thing I also had not considered was that I was going back with all the maturity I had gained over a period of five years. Benny did not have such an advantage. Instead of going back to the man I know now, I was interacting with Benny and a considerably lesser maturity level. That was not at all easy to deal with. He grew so much in the two years between when we met and when we married, people would have a hard time recognizing him from one year to the next. It was truly impressive, and I wouldn't have married the man he was when we initially met.

It also meant that all that time we spent getting to know one another was lost. I already knew so much about him, we didn't need to write the many letters asking each other questions that were so pivotal to our relationship. I think we wrote nearly 100 letters back and forth before we got married, and that doesn't include emails, talking in person, chatting on Facebook, or phone calls. We got to know one another in a very short amount of time as a result of all the types of talking which took place. How would you react if someone started pursuing you, seeming to know way too much about you, and you have no clue what he or she is like?

How did it end? I'm not really sure, because Benny woke me up to nurse Ellie, but it wasn't going anywhere good. As tempting as it could be to say I could make things better by going back, I think my dream convinced me there would be much to lose, as well.

As Benny said, when I told him about it: “It's like you were in the Room of Consequence. Now you know better.” 

To the Pregnancy Disparagers

I don’t know if every first-time mother hears all the disparaging comments I have as I’ve been going through my first pregnancy, but I can’t imagine I’m the first. Perhaps you know what I mean. You’re curled up, reading a book, and someone says: “You won’t have time for that once the baby is born.” You say something about sleeping really well: “Enjoy your sleep while you can.” Almost everything I do, now, I’m told to appreciate and enjoy, because once the baby is born, my life ends.

What?!

Perhaps I’m a dying breed, but all I have wanted to do since I was eight or nine was be a wife and mother. That’s really it. There are things I did and enjoyed, certainly, that weren’t directly involved, but they were all things that will eventually benefit my children. I have planned for this my entire life, and during a time I expected to be encouraged by other women, I find them pointing out all the freedoms I will be losing – freedoms which I don’t really care about, to be honest.

Thank God my mother hasn’t been this way. It was watching her work so hard that inspired me. She homeschooled us, fixed our clothes, cooked on an amazingly small budget, raised us up with life skills people just don’t have anymore, and was our encourager. I felt completely prepared to take on the challenges of caring for my own home by the time I needed to, so I know she prepared me well. I want to do the same for my children. I know it wasn’t easy. I watched her struggle with the each of us in our own areas of, let’s say, lesser qualities. She cried over her worries with us, daily exhausted herself, and still found time to bring light to the lives of hundreds of others. I never heard her complain. I want to do that, too.

So when people tell me: “Enjoy your life; it will be over soon,” frankly, I want to slap them. In what other job can you do that? “Wow – you’re going to be a nurse! Enjoy this time when you’re working hard to prepare for the job you’ve always wanted, because you’ll hate it when it finally gets here.” No one thinks the job they choose will be a piece of cake, but they choose it for what they will win.

I don’t suppose I’ll sleep as much after the baby is born, or have the same figure, or have the same privacy, or whatever else people say I apparently need to have a life. But I will have a new little person who is my complete responsibility, who relies on me for food and learning, who loves me, and who no one else has ever had influence over. It will be completely unique to any experience I or any other person has had. There will be days, I know, when I’m ready to believe all the disparaging comments and say my life is over. Then I will remember this:

Proverbs 31: 10-31:
“Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
¹¹ The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
¹⁹ She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
²⁰ She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
²² She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
²⁵ Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.”

It is the life I chose. 

Things I Wish People Had Told Me Before I Married

I will be honest with you; not many people told me things that were actually helpful before I got married. It became really easy to identify who would give me what sort of advice. The ones who had gone through several serious marital (or nearly marital) relationships would “wish me luck” with a sarcasm that said their relationships had been poisonous, so I should expect that too. The ones who had worked through a marriage that was difficult always said that the rose-coloured glasses would come off, and I was in for a rough life. People who were happy in their marriage were most genuine in wishing me a blessed future, usually saying – quite honestly – that marriage is hard, sometimes, but also a great joy. When I married, the advice had been so inconsistent, I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I found that all of the advice and none of it truly applied to us. There were some things, however, that I wished people had told me before I married; since people are marrying every day, I wanted to share these things and hopefully help others either about to be married, new to marriage, or perhaps even wrinkling. The list is, of course, determined by my personal experiences, so it won’t apply exclusively.

1.      People say that if you act in the way you want your partner to act, they will change. I think a lot of women translate this to “if I always serve my husband well in this action, he will serve me well in ____” Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. You have to actually say: “I consider this service to be an equal to this service. Even though it’s hard for me to ____, I do that out of love for you. I know ______ is hard for you, but could you sacrifice a little in honour of mine?” It isn’t selfish to ask for what you want as long as you’re willing to allow your spouse to ask for what he or she wants.

2.      We’ve all heard that we shouldn’t nag and we need to love our spouses in spite of faults, but you occasionally need to lecture each other. You don’t have parents, anymore, who can tell you your motives are off, your actions are childish, or you’re doing something wrong. The hard thing is to choose those lectures well, and I will emphasize the word sparingly. You might only need to say one sentence, depending on how well you phrase and communicate what you’re saying. Make sure you aren’t being accusatory, have the right motives, and be certain that you’re actually pointing out something that will make a permanent difference in your lives. You don’t need to lecture your spouse about not doing the dishes or remembering a promise, because those are temporary and can be fixed gently. You may need to call attention to ways that your spouse handles stress or manipulates you, with or without realizing.

3.      And here’s the one that might make people uncomfortable, but I’m going to say it anyway, because it has been vital to my own marriage and is applicable to all marriages: have sex as often as the spouse with the highest sex drive wants to have sex. Better yet, if one of you feels the inclination, it had better happen. This will be really hard for the person with the lower sex drive. There is no way around it, because you are two people with two different brains and two different bodies. Why do I emphasize this so strongly? Because infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce. Adultery on the side of the man is a little more complicated than that (my next point), but in general, why shouldn’t you err on the safe side? Paul says people should marry so that they don’t have to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). If your spouse is interested in sex and you say you aren’t interested or you’re tired, they will desire a release elsewhere, even if that wouldn’t be their first inclination. Obviously, the first inclination was to share passion with you! It is a sacrifice, but it’s worth it.

4.      Men aren’t made like women. Relationships to women are permanent, lasting, and are maintained even over long distances. To men, they are temporary, and it’s not so important to keep friends as to have them. When a woman moves from Arkansas to Colorado, she’s going to keep in touch with all her friends and probably make new ones. A guy will just make new friends and often not worry too much about past ones. All this to say: most men aren’t unfaithful because they want to be. Because men and women view relationships so differently, I would imagine that many couples deal with unfaithfulness on some level or other, whether it be looking at pictures of other women, watching pornography, wanting other women (fleetingly or not), or sleeping with them. This is something that women, as wives, teach their husbands – to value the relationship and remember that it is meant to be maintained over time. And they will probably have to do it multiple times. Wives, it is crushing, and it will break your heart, but it isn’t because he doesn’t love you or want you. He just needs to learn to constantly remind himself that he chose you, and by choosing you, he chose to forsake all others. And you can help by reminding him and being understanding and loving when he slips.

There are other things, of course, that have been helpful, such as “Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind.” Oh, yes. I needed that one. Or, my personal favourite: “your spouse will do things that drive you crazy. Get over it.” Essentially, marriage is hard in that people are selfish beings. When you aim to serve your spouse in your marriage, it seems like every hardship is smoothed over as a result of service itself. If something is hard, it’s probably because one of you is holding on to something and refusing to step out of the “safe” or “comfortable” zone. Once you recognize that, you can attack a problem by seeking out whatever may be holding you back and fixing it.

And speaking of service, I should fix my husband’s lunch. 

Sarah Time

When I married Benny, I was prepared for it to be super hard for us to live together - really, really hard. We were both surprised when it felt natural and pleasing to be married and to live together. We’ve speculated as to why this is. Perhaps it was rooted in that we both came from big families and had experience in adapting to living with other people. Our temperaments are both inclined toward solving a problem immediately rather than letting it fester. We both value communicating everything clearly, so even our discussions infringed with disagreement are careful and forgiving. Neither of us enjoy conflict, but we handle it by confronting it rather than avoiding it. For example, this afternoon, I told Benny I didn’t like the way he was handling a specific issue. He was quiet, expressed his anger at what I said while in the same breath admitting that I was right in what I said. That was the end of the conversation, and it is one example of how we consistently approach such problems.

This isn’t to say it’s easy to be married. We have individual and mutual struggles with different aspects of our lives, but the peace with which we handle things dims them significantly. The thing we have struggled with the most is a constant battle for us – face time. This is mostly a problem because we think of it differently. Benny is happy to sit and do homework with me in the room. I need him to talk to me – to give me his undivided attention for it to be valuable and worthy to me. It wasn’t until he started the school year that it became a real problem. I was starving for attention, and it felt selfish to ask him to put aside time to spend with me when he was so busy. When the first trimester ended, I was so relieved I soaked up the month of December like a thirsty plant. When the winter term started, I was depressed and moody, and not really sure why. It finally hit me that I didn’t feel like a priority to Benny, anymore. I told him this, explaining that I felt like I was drowning without his attention. He was gone so much and so busy when he was home, I felt alone even when he was there. Desperate, I begged for half an hour a day of his undivided attention. As soon as he understood why I had been so distant and upset, he apologized and said he would fix the problem. Pulling out his school schedule, he penciled in fourty-five minutes to an hour of “Sarah Time” every day of the week. We never start a minute early and rarely go late, but that time is mine to do with him as I please.

This trimester, I have different “Sarah Time” hours/minutes arranged for every day, but they are some of the most precious minutes of my day. Some people may feel like being in a schedule is offensive, but to me it signifies that I am important enough to my husband that he puts aside everything else to love me with his focus. I’ve also come to realize that, when the rare occasion calls for it, Benny will extend the time as long as I need it. This week, when I felt completely lost, swallowed in sorrow and doubt, he spent an entire evening loving me with his time, never once making me feel guilty for the homework he wasn’t finishing and the class he was missing. Yes, I treasure my “Sarah Time,” and I’m thankful I have a husband who understands why it’s so important.