Thoughts On Young Dumbledore and WWII

I remember reading the last Harry Potter book in its entirety the day it came out. I've since read it probably five times, enjoying it more each time, and still discovering new things. I'm sure I wasn't the only person who was shocked (and maybe a little hurt) when I read about Dumbledore's teen and young adult years – the years he spent fawning over Grindelwald, succumbing to his influence and supporting the ideas of pure blood in the wizarding world. Although he hadn't shown any signs of hating muggles and “dirty bloods” before or after this time in his life, the idea that he had ever had such leanings was startling, and I was really disappointed.

In the midst of my shock, however, I found myself irritated with Harry for being so angry with Dumbledore's actions. I felt that it was unfair to expect so much of him when Harry himself hadn't ever been in the same position. Sure, he could say he wouldn't have acted the same, but how could he know for sure?

It reminds me a lot of how people react to Germany in WWII. This country seemed too quick to accept the influence of Hitler. Never mind how much he did to help Germany or the fact that he was like a balm to them when they were trying to recover themselves and their pride after WWI. Never mind his adeptness at speaking and seemingly harmless ease of influence.

Like Germany, Dumbledore was recovering from great loss, feeling abandoned and a new, frightening sense of responsibility. Like the people there, he was quick to come under the banner of someone who made him feel powerful again – someone who gave him a new purpose to live for. And like that country, he also came to recognize his faults and did his best to never be associated with the mistakes of his past. And, like so many other countries, Harry was quick to see fault in Dumbledore. Instead of seeing vulnerability, he saw weakness. Rather than accounting for the changes and improvements that were clear in Dumbledore's later life, he took offense at the past, taking pride in the assumption that he could never make the same mistake.

God forbid.

I don't think this similarity was lost on Rowling. In fact, I would guess it was intentional, though she hasn't said that outright. She has, however, pointed out that the fall of Grindelwald coincides with the downfall of Hitler in 1945. And let's not look over the fact that the character has a German name and was accused of causing great turmoil in all Europe.

I think there's an important lesson to be learned from this aspect of the Potter books, as well as from the parallel in history. We can't be quick to judge people's mistakes – especially when they are in a weakened state. Although there are people who rise above wrongful influences, they are not a majority. There are powerful people, waiting on the sidelines, watching for frailty, and no culture or country is guaranteed insusceptibility. 

To the Pregnancy Disparagers

I don’t know if every first-time mother hears all the disparaging comments I have as I’ve been going through my first pregnancy, but I can’t imagine I’m the first. Perhaps you know what I mean. You’re curled up, reading a book, and someone says: “You won’t have time for that once the baby is born.” You say something about sleeping really well: “Enjoy your sleep while you can.” Almost everything I do, now, I’m told to appreciate and enjoy, because once the baby is born, my life ends.

What?!

Perhaps I’m a dying breed, but all I have wanted to do since I was eight or nine was be a wife and mother. That’s really it. There are things I did and enjoyed, certainly, that weren’t directly involved, but they were all things that will eventually benefit my children. I have planned for this my entire life, and during a time I expected to be encouraged by other women, I find them pointing out all the freedoms I will be losing – freedoms which I don’t really care about, to be honest.

Thank God my mother hasn’t been this way. It was watching her work so hard that inspired me. She homeschooled us, fixed our clothes, cooked on an amazingly small budget, raised us up with life skills people just don’t have anymore, and was our encourager. I felt completely prepared to take on the challenges of caring for my own home by the time I needed to, so I know she prepared me well. I want to do the same for my children. I know it wasn’t easy. I watched her struggle with the each of us in our own areas of, let’s say, lesser qualities. She cried over her worries with us, daily exhausted herself, and still found time to bring light to the lives of hundreds of others. I never heard her complain. I want to do that, too.

So when people tell me: “Enjoy your life; it will be over soon,” frankly, I want to slap them. In what other job can you do that? “Wow – you’re going to be a nurse! Enjoy this time when you’re working hard to prepare for the job you’ve always wanted, because you’ll hate it when it finally gets here.” No one thinks the job they choose will be a piece of cake, but they choose it for what they will win.

I don’t suppose I’ll sleep as much after the baby is born, or have the same figure, or have the same privacy, or whatever else people say I apparently need to have a life. But I will have a new little person who is my complete responsibility, who relies on me for food and learning, who loves me, and who no one else has ever had influence over. It will be completely unique to any experience I or any other person has had. There will be days, I know, when I’m ready to believe all the disparaging comments and say my life is over. Then I will remember this:

Proverbs 31: 10-31:
“Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
¹¹ The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
¹⁹ She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
²⁰ She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
²² She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
²⁵ Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.”

It is the life I chose. 

A Day in My Shoes

Benny recently recommended that I write something describing how I go about my day – to help people understand how I cope, because I was explaining how people seem to be under strange assumptions concerning what I do to deal with my chronic illness. I’m taking his advice! Also, several have asked, and I want to help them understand as best I can. 

I usually start my mornings waking up as gradually as I can.  I am incredibly groggy and stiff, in the morning, but I try to ignore whatever is hurting.

Getting dressed is hard. I like to lay out my clothes the night before, because it’s hard for me to make decisions in the morning – especially when decisions need to be made quickly. At the same time, that might not be helpful, because my skin reacts differently to different fabrics and cuts on a day-to-day basis. I might put out a skirt and blouse for a day, get up that morning, and realize that anything cinching around my waist will cause too much pain, so I wear a dress instead. I try to gauge what I will be able to wear by the forecast, but it doesn’t always work.

Benny blesses me by making breakfast in the morning. If he didn’t make it, it probably wouldn’t happen. Since my brain seems to barely function, thinking through preparing something and actually doing it seem like two huge mountains of work. When we first were married, I really tried, but he gradually took over without any decision being made. I was very thankful and relieved.

We eat breakfast, have family devotions, and then my day begins. If it’s a work day for me, I go to work. Although I can’t be explicit about my workday, I can say that I work for five hours, five days a week, and I spread out the duties in my client’s home over the five days in such a way that it doesn’t exhaust me more than it needs to. I get home around 2:30PM, exhausted, and try to sit down for awhile, collect myself, and reboot as much as possible before mentally switching over to “housewife”.

At home, I try to keep the house generally neat and uncluttered. If there’s only a little bit to clean up every day, it’s far less stressful and physically demanding; however, sometimes I can’t even do a little, and rooms get away from me. Once a week, I dust thoroughly, vacuum, or scrub floors. Rarely do two of those overlap in a day. I keep a clean house because messiness stresses me to a point where I feel immobilized by the thought of having to gather enough strength to clean it up. Every week, I try to include a more vigorous task, such as wiping down cupboards or cleaning windows, but these rarely get finished because of everything else.

I’m sure it sounds like I have it pretty easy – light cleaning every day, with other tasks spread out – but it isn’t that simple. Every task has to be outlined beforehand. For example, if I decide to clean the living room, my list might look like this:

Clean living room

-clean up floor

-clean off coffee table

-put away books and CDs

-straighten up bookshelves

-dust

-vacuum

-wash windows and mirrors

-wipe off coffee table

It seems a little excessive, but if I don’t write it all out, it’s hard to finish, and I’m constantly worried about forgetting something. My “to do” lists are detailed, and I write them every day, including the things I do daily. A recent one:

To Do

Dust:

-living room

-bedroom

-bathroom

-study

Shower

Dishes

Supper

Sweep kitchen

E-mail Dad

Clean bedroom

For every task, I will have to convince myself to take it on. I rarely feel up to it, and I would rather sit and nurse my aches and pains, but I force myself to do everything because it’s my job. I’ll convince myself to dust and take fourty-five minutes to do it. I plan to take at least two hours to prepare supper, so usually by the time I’m done dusting, it’s time to start cooking. First, wash the dishes. It will take me awhile, because I take ten to fifteen minutes to prepare to wash dishes – by stacking them, putting hot water in the sink, and making sure there aren’t dishes hiding in other places. Washing them usually takes around half an hour. I have a stool to sit on so the standing doesn’t tire me overly much, because I need to be careful about using up energy before I even get around to making supper.

After the dishes are washed, I can start thinking about supper. I wipe down all the surfaces, then I look at the menu. I write out a monthly menu, which keeps me from stressing about varying the menu and forgetting groceries. Maybe it’s an easy day and the menu says I planned for spinach omelets. First, I get out all the ingredients I use for omelets: eggs, cheese, whatever meat I have, potatoes, corn, spinach, and perhaps other, random things. I chop up or measure everything into separate bowls, just as you would see on a cooking show, so everything is prepared, then I set out all the dishes I’ll need: plates for the omelets when they’re done, a spatula or two, the whisk, the skillet, and a bowl to whisk eggs in. All this preparation usually takes me half an hour to fourty-five minutes. Then I start cooking. Omelets are relatively easy. Cook the potatoes in the bottom of the skillet, whisk the eggs and chopped spinach together and pour over potatoes, flip omelet and add ingredients, put on plate. Half an hour to fourty-five minutes later, I’m done. This process seems overly complicated, but it’s the best way I’ve found to cook without causing undue stress.

When supper is eaten, I do internet tasks, which I try to keep short. When that’s over, I might take a shower. This is probably the most exhausting thing I’ll do during my day, because it requires constant activity and doesn’t allow for breaks. I usually take an hour to prepare, shower, get dressed and clean things up afterward. If I’m having a bad back day (meaning I can’t stand too long; chronic back pain means it always hurts – some times worse than others), I either take a bath or use my shower chair. The rest of the evening I usually spend off my feet or doing something with Benny. Once in awhile, we’ll walk or bike somewhere or nowhere. Sometimes we finish some cleaning/organizing task together or just sit around and do nothing. During school, I put a plate and note together for Benny’s lunch.

I really am very weak, and this is something I abhor about myself. I was once active and involved in other people’s lives. Now, social anxiety and the need to preserve energy keep me at home unless I need to go out or unless someone kindly plans an event. I do not, however, limit myself unnecessarily. I often can do more and am willing to do more active things when asked, but people often – while trying to be kind – refrain from suggesting things they think might be too much for me. Although I understand wanting to be careful, I know my limits better than anyone, and asking me to do something that may tire me or hurt me isn’t something to avoid. I have no problem with declining activities I know will do more harm than good, and I prefer being able to make that decision to it being made for me.

Depression as a result of loneliness is something I constantly fight; I have few friends here, at this point, and Benny has to tend to school and composing/practicing. I try to fight this mostly by having a book on CD to listen to while I’m cooking or cleaning and also by having open house hours when women are welcome to visit me. I desire and need almost constant companionship. I used to think I was a loner, but I’ve found that to be alone is something I don’t actually enjoy unless I’m having personal devotions (although I’m not truly alone then, either :)). When people come visit, I am often thrilled beyond words.

Which brings me to open enthusiasm. Many people think I’m quiet, reserved, and shy. This isn’t so much true as it is true that in public situations I find it difficult to keep from panicking. The way I fight panic (which is something I fight as a socially anxious person) is by mellowing out. People who meet me in the privacy of my home are often surprised by the openness I am comfortable with there. When I’m in my personal space, surroundings which are known, comfortable, and predictable, I am in my element. Especially if Benny is there, I feel safe. Being in public feels incredibly unsafe, no matter how illogical that feeling is, and I tend to reserve all emotions to damper the one which feels most threatening. One of the reasons I encourage people to come visit is because they get to see me at my most comfortable. I avoid anything even remotely resembling a party for this reason and also because I have a hard time concentrating when more than one person is speaking at once. When this happens, my mind is frantic to grasp onto anything, and when my brain is frantic, I can’t concentrate on anything.

One thing about dealing with my brain which is hard for a lot of people to understand is that it doesn’t process things quickly. As a result of this, everything I do has to be thought through. Most people do things mechanically, but it is rare that an action becomes so familiar I can do it without thought. When I’m walking, I move slowly when crossing the street or a lane. When I’m driving, the faster I have to react, the more stressed I am. Getting ready to go anywhere, I stop at the door and think through anything I might have forgotten (to the great frustration and training in patience for my husband). I can have a conversation with a person, but I think through my questions and thoughts more slowly than many, and I rarely speak before knowing exactly how I will say a sentence. Benny has learned to ask: “Are you avoiding the conversation or are you thinking about what to say?” when we’re talking. I may think about a conversation for days or even weeks before I feel as though I’ve full processed everything that was said. People say they hate it when they think of the perfect response a few minutes too late… I usually think of a response whole days later.

There are other things I deal with differently than other people… to mention them all would take far too long. I welcome questions whenever people have them, and few questions do I refuse to answer. To end, I’ll make a short list of things an “outsider” can take from this.

1.      You don’t need to show me kindness by not asking me to do something with you because I might be tired or in pain. I’m always tired and in pain! You can show me kindness by asking and letting me decide, not really caring how I answer.

2.      By the same token, you don’t need to do things for me to help me avoid pain and exhaustion. If I need help, I will admit it when you ask me.

3.      If you really want to know me, visit me in my own home. I love visitors, and when they are in my home, the situation feels far less threatening to me.

4.      Understand that I process things slowly. If I am moving slowly or taking a long time to respond to a question or comment, it isn’t because I’m trying to frustrate you; I move at a different pace.

5.      I need companionship like any person; I just have a limited way of receiving that companionship.

6.      I don’t like idleness, and I don’t coddle myself, but I also am careful where I expend energy. If I save energy by not doing one thing, I can spend it doing something else. This is a matter of survival. This means I will often leave aside things other people see as “correct”. One of the things I don’t expend energy on is open excitement. I’m really and honestly excited in my heart, but the energy open excitement takes isn’t worth wasting.

7.      I choose to live life outside of my chronic illness. It debilitates and frustrates me every single day, but I try to live with an attitude of thankfulness for all I can still do. You can ask me how I’m doing – I’ll be honest if I’m not having a good day – but then I’d rather drop it and talk about better things-like how glad I am you took time out of your day to say hello! 

Things I Wish People Had Told Me Before I Married

I will be honest with you; not many people told me things that were actually helpful before I got married. It became really easy to identify who would give me what sort of advice. The ones who had gone through several serious marital (or nearly marital) relationships would “wish me luck” with a sarcasm that said their relationships had been poisonous, so I should expect that too. The ones who had worked through a marriage that was difficult always said that the rose-coloured glasses would come off, and I was in for a rough life. People who were happy in their marriage were most genuine in wishing me a blessed future, usually saying – quite honestly – that marriage is hard, sometimes, but also a great joy. When I married, the advice had been so inconsistent, I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I found that all of the advice and none of it truly applied to us. There were some things, however, that I wished people had told me before I married; since people are marrying every day, I wanted to share these things and hopefully help others either about to be married, new to marriage, or perhaps even wrinkling. The list is, of course, determined by my personal experiences, so it won’t apply exclusively.

1.      People say that if you act in the way you want your partner to act, they will change. I think a lot of women translate this to “if I always serve my husband well in this action, he will serve me well in ____” Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. You have to actually say: “I consider this service to be an equal to this service. Even though it’s hard for me to ____, I do that out of love for you. I know ______ is hard for you, but could you sacrifice a little in honour of mine?” It isn’t selfish to ask for what you want as long as you’re willing to allow your spouse to ask for what he or she wants.

2.      We’ve all heard that we shouldn’t nag and we need to love our spouses in spite of faults, but you occasionally need to lecture each other. You don’t have parents, anymore, who can tell you your motives are off, your actions are childish, or you’re doing something wrong. The hard thing is to choose those lectures well, and I will emphasize the word sparingly. You might only need to say one sentence, depending on how well you phrase and communicate what you’re saying. Make sure you aren’t being accusatory, have the right motives, and be certain that you’re actually pointing out something that will make a permanent difference in your lives. You don’t need to lecture your spouse about not doing the dishes or remembering a promise, because those are temporary and can be fixed gently. You may need to call attention to ways that your spouse handles stress or manipulates you, with or without realizing.

3.      And here’s the one that might make people uncomfortable, but I’m going to say it anyway, because it has been vital to my own marriage and is applicable to all marriages: have sex as often as the spouse with the highest sex drive wants to have sex. Better yet, if one of you feels the inclination, it had better happen. This will be really hard for the person with the lower sex drive. There is no way around it, because you are two people with two different brains and two different bodies. Why do I emphasize this so strongly? Because infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce. Adultery on the side of the man is a little more complicated than that (my next point), but in general, why shouldn’t you err on the safe side? Paul says people should marry so that they don’t have to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). If your spouse is interested in sex and you say you aren’t interested or you’re tired, they will desire a release elsewhere, even if that wouldn’t be their first inclination. Obviously, the first inclination was to share passion with you! It is a sacrifice, but it’s worth it.

4.      Men aren’t made like women. Relationships to women are permanent, lasting, and are maintained even over long distances. To men, they are temporary, and it’s not so important to keep friends as to have them. When a woman moves from Arkansas to Colorado, she’s going to keep in touch with all her friends and probably make new ones. A guy will just make new friends and often not worry too much about past ones. All this to say: most men aren’t unfaithful because they want to be. Because men and women view relationships so differently, I would imagine that many couples deal with unfaithfulness on some level or other, whether it be looking at pictures of other women, watching pornography, wanting other women (fleetingly or not), or sleeping with them. This is something that women, as wives, teach their husbands – to value the relationship and remember that it is meant to be maintained over time. And they will probably have to do it multiple times. Wives, it is crushing, and it will break your heart, but it isn’t because he doesn’t love you or want you. He just needs to learn to constantly remind himself that he chose you, and by choosing you, he chose to forsake all others. And you can help by reminding him and being understanding and loving when he slips.

There are other things, of course, that have been helpful, such as “Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind.” Oh, yes. I needed that one. Or, my personal favourite: “your spouse will do things that drive you crazy. Get over it.” Essentially, marriage is hard in that people are selfish beings. When you aim to serve your spouse in your marriage, it seems like every hardship is smoothed over as a result of service itself. If something is hard, it’s probably because one of you is holding on to something and refusing to step out of the “safe” or “comfortable” zone. Once you recognize that, you can attack a problem by seeking out whatever may be holding you back and fixing it.

And speaking of service, I should fix my husband’s lunch. 

Waiting for the Wedding Night

A very good friend of mine posted this link, on Facebook, with the following comment:

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/

"This article is an excellent example of how the social construct of "virginity" can turn someone into a holier-than-thou asshole. It is also my expert opinion that this guy has a small penis."

Now, I rarely get into arguments on Facebook. It's not that I never write anything offensive, because I do quite a bit, I just don't see the point of making people angry when they already know, by the way I live, that I don't see eye to eye with them. Most of my friends are from the secular atmophere, and I've come to accept them, despite their faults, and show them Christ by my love. They know I accept them - not their sin - and it is this fact which has earned me friends of all colours. This type of article and sarcastic comment I would usually pass over, ignoring the inner contradictions, but this time, the issue was too important to me to say nothing. This was what I replied:

"First, I just want to say that this guy is an idiot. The article is badly written and offensive for the sake of being offensive rather than trying to simply explain why waiting is worth it. I mean, I waited; Benny waited… and our sexual relationship is anything but awkward. The wedding night itself wasn’t even airbrushed by anxiety or nervousness about potentially bad performance – on either side – because we were so excited to give ourselves completely to one another. The fact that we could enjoy that union without even considering anything like negative “Sex with _____was so much more satisfying” or even positive: “Man, he’s way better than ____.” We didn’t have a set of sexual standards in our heads that the other person had to meet, and it was a relief to both of us that we would never be measured, sexually, based upon the experience of the other.

Also, we are both so eager to please one another that we never think: “Wow, I wish I had more experience with lots of people so that I knew a lot of technique.” Actually, just having one another has meant that we are learning the needs, impulses, and pleasures of the other. Every day, we learn how to better please one another. It’s a really awesome gift, and I’m very glad I waited. I mean, even if I had just slept with Benny before we married, there would have been no awesome wedding night, because all the anticipation of waiting and the build of tension is lost.

I’m not condemning people who don’t wait, contrary to this guy. I mean, I think it’s a wonderful idea, and I think everyone should wait, but I understand that there are a lot of things that contribute to loss of virginity, and I can’t shun people for being human. I’ve done poorly in other areas that I’m not proud of, so I definitely am not better than them.

Mostly, this is what I think: sex is awesome, and it’s worth waiting for the perfect moment."

Attending an Antipodal Church

Now, just to clarify before I even start, this post is not meant to bash another church, theology, or even to say which one is right or wrong. I do have certain beliefs which will show, because it is inevitable that one often thinks he or she is right. I only want to share my thoughts on how it feels to attend a church that is founded on theology about as opposite of mine as you can get in the protestant group.

~~~~~

There are various things one will look for in a church. Some look for fellowship, others look for a good children’s program, some look for a specific denominational background. You can’t look for a perfect church, because if you happen to find one, you would ruin it by joining. When Benny moved to Appleton, almost a year ago, I told him I trusted him to pick a church for us to attend after we married. This, I knew, was to take a risk, because although we basically agree theologically, he paid a lot less attention to it than I did. You can imagine how nervous I was when he called me, excited about this church he had found and thought would be a perfect fit for us, and told me it was an Orthodox Presbyterian Church.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not saying that I don’t like being exposed to other denominations. I’ve experience the worship and teachings of various ones, including – at least three full length services, often more – Nazarene, Baptist, Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Bible Missionary, Congregational, Evangelical, Methodist, etc. I was raised Wesleyan-Arminian in a non-denominational church. When asked what denomination I am, I always give the same answer: I’m Wesleyan-Arminian Congregational (not Roman) Catholic Baptist Nazarene Methodist. Is this a cop-out? Nope. I simply understand that my theology and how I follow Christ can be traditionally seen in each of those denominations, if not seen in the present time.

Why this explanation? Mostly to illustrate how different the church I was raised in is from the one I now attend. I went from a Wesleyan church to a Calvinist church (glad I knew my TULIP well…). I’ve attended close to two months of services in this church, now, and have had some thoughts on what I truly value in a church.

First, and most importantly, I value a church in which the pastor is a genuine shepherd. This means that the pastor has studied his doctrine and church history well and desires to impregnate his congregation with those doctrines and traditions which he believes have been fundamental. In other words, he believes firmly in what he stands on and desires to hold his flock to the standards which he believes God has biblically founded. A pastor who additionally pulls no punches is an excellent pastor to have.

Second, I value a church in which great importance is placed on the family. This can be seen in many ways, but it is always clear when the family is important to the church. Partly it is seen within the literal families but mostly in the blood-washed family. A church where there is clear fellowship, love, and a desire to serve one another is a church where I cannot help but feel blessed.

Third, despite of (or in spite of?) any differences in doctrine which may be present, it is clear that the people there yearn to serve God with all their heart, soul, strength, and mind. I believe that anyone who truly serves God and longs to serve Him better every day will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, despite what doctrines he may hold. Although I deem your doctrine is incredibly important, I do not believe it saves you – but nor does it keep you from the throne of grace. I follow God to the best of my abilities, and I believe that my doctrines are scriptural. I know many who differ in doctrine but live with that aim as well, thus I cannot condemn them but rather wish them many blessings.

Attending this church has been a challenge, in several ways, but I have found it to be a place of peace as much as the church in which I grew up. God is preached there. I don’t feel persecuted or hindered by the differences in such a way that I am unable to worship. In fact, I find the differences strengthening my faith and encouraging me. I am fed, for each of us comes knowing we have fallen short of the glory of God and desperately need His strength for every step to come.

In Christ.

Autistic Love: Challenging the Definition

Introduction: Before I write a sentence about what I plan to address, I want to briefly say this: I am in no way an expert on Autism – or any other neural development disorder I may mention. I am basing my opinions upon hours of research, yes, and the copious amount of time I’ve spent with such children and adults, but I realize that these things don’t make me right. This essay is actually a watered down idea I’ve been considering and preparing to write for several years. I write about it not because I want to make others seem silly/stupid or because I want to seem smart… but I have a theory that I think is important to think about, and I believe it may be applicable to other situations.

This essay is all about challenging definitions. One definition, actually: the definition of love. Now, I’m not talking about the typical arguments about how romantic love is not the same as familial love is not the same as philia (love between friends) is not the same as eros (erotic love) is not the same as agape (a love only experienced through God). Am I crazy? Definitely, because I’m about to say something fanatical: love is not dimensional. What do I mean by that? Basically, that love cannot be measured, weighed, or limited by our minds. It is limitless and cannot be defined by any one factor except that it is what sets us apart from animals, thus it serves as the copyright of God on our souls. This is incredibly important to understand, because it means that you cannot assume you know every aspect from which it can be seen.

Now for the other bookend: autism. I have studied this and many similar disorders with great interest for six or seven years, reading about upcoming treatments, possible causes, and whatever else I can find. I have worked with them extensively, as well. One of the classifying definitions of autism is emotional detachment. Basically, it is believed that autistic children are unable to understand and communicate emotions. In other words, autistic children are said to be unable to love.

When I first started reading about this particular aspect of autism, I felt incredibly sad for the parents of such children. I thought it must be horrible – almost unbearable – to raise a child who was incapable of loving or understanding love. It was the aspect of this order which held the most interest for me, because I was curious about how parents dealt with that. The accounts I read were heartbreaking, and my sympathies grew. However, I also realized that I was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with the definition. There were several reasons for this.

1. In all my work with autistic children, their responses to individuals, though abnormal in comparison with other children, differed according to whom they had received the most loving treatment. They weren’t necessarily more kind, but they might sit next to them when playing, watch them more carefully than others, or show some other sign of watchful attention.

2. We are said to be created in the image of God. 1st John 4:7-8 states: “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” If you believe the Bible to be infallible, if you believe that anyone can enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, and if you believe that God is just, then it is impossible for you to believe that anyone is born unable to love.

3. Love is not limited by our definition. If God is love, and this is as inexplicable as the Holy Trinity or as eternity. They exist, we see evidences of them, and we even can almost explain them, but there are aspects of these things which cannot be illustrated in a way that our brains can comprehend.

Taking these three things into account, I had to challenge my own assumptions, because I realized that I had believed my entire life that love was shown through communication of emotions, desires, and service. When the wish for closeness and communication is absent, what is there left to love with? A great example of the limitations would be the five love languages: receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service (for more details, go here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/). These definitions can be helpful in communicating love to people who understand, but those with the inability to understand are left with nothing. Many autistic children like regularity, being alone, being in the quiet, etc. It is not in their “nature” to accept love as we define it.

Here is my challenge to you: who is to say that love can only be communicated in ways we understand? I think every person in this world is equally capable of showing love, but we have limited them because of our rigid understanding of how that can be displayed. I show love by hugging people, but I have quickly learned that many autistic children don’t want to be touched. They were not limited by their autism but rather by my definitions of how they should act. When I realized this, I learned to recognize and communicate love in ways they understood. And every child is different! It’s a learning process, as much as with developing any relationship.

Autistic children can’t love? Ridiculous. It’s time to recognize the limits of our definitions and allow them to express love in ways they understand. We might not be able to identify these acts of love, because their language is awkward to us, just as ours is awkward to them. Not understanding does not equal absence.

Overcoming Presuppositions of Satan in Paradise Lost

The person of Satan has long been one of great controversy. He might be imagined as the red cartoon with a pitchfork, long red tail, and horns. Others might say there is no Satan. To others, he is the ultimate enemy - a menace who will do anything possible to cause God pain. To John Milton, he seemed to be a curiosity, as is clear in his poem Paradise Lost. One might ask what Milton’s purpose was in writing such a descriptive account of Satan’s story, as he certainly took the time to create this epic tale. There must be a purpose.

Whatever his purpose, this epic tale shows a hero who causes much controversy among the critics. Some critics say that there is a definite push for us to feel pity for Satan as he seems to sink lower and lower into himself. Opposing critics argue that there is no real indication of this.

In the beginning of Paradise Lost, we feel a sense of defiance from Satan, which is expected, considering what he has so recently done:

“The infernal Serpent; he it was whose guile stirred up with envy and revenge, deceived the mother of mankind, what time his pride had cast him out from Heaven” (1.34-37).

Yet this defiance does not seem so complete as it might: “So spake the apostate Angel, though in pain vaunting aloud, but wracked with deep despair” (1.125-126). This seems to indicate that Satan, although certainly not repentant of the celestial fight, is regretful of all that has taken place. It also seems that he does his best to hide these regrets from his hierarchy of followers. This sign of weakness might cause someone to feel as though it is only right to pity Satan:

“Milton’s presentation of him (Satan) is a magnificent poetical achievement which engages the attention and excites the admiration of the reader. On the other hand, it may mean that the real being… is or ought to be an object of admiration and sympathy, conscious or unconscious, on the part of the poet or his readers of both” (Lewis 94).

This idea of sympathizing with God’s enemy is appalling to many. Lewis himself did not believe this to be Milton’s purpose, though he did point out, as in the afore text, that the way Milton evoked this reaction could have been an unconscious thing.

There are other critics believe that there is a clear attempt to discredit Satan in every sense:

“Any one of his ‘glorious’ speeches will suffice to show the false high style of Satan, dissembler and buffoon… A comic element is seen thus in his self deception; Milton is really so unsubtle that Satan becomes a caricature of the pompous braggart” (Shawcross 30+31).

Both sides of the argument are seen, here. Was Milton’s purpose to suggest pity for Satan or is there really no evidence of anything but malice? Surely Milton would have been clear; however, it is possible to look at Paradise Lost not as an absolute of either argument but actually a progression; Satan begins as a newly fallen angel, not fully evil, but he gradually evolves into the Satan whom we so easily recognize as a devil.

There is no real doubt that Satan is an evil being. He shows clear evidence of this throughout the entirety of Paradise Lost: “Seduce them to our party, that their God may prove their foe, and with repenting hand abolish his own works” (2.68-70). His clear purpose is to cause strife between God and His people, perhaps not so much to hurt Man but to hurt God through man. It is power that corrupts Satan, and much like Byron’s character Manfred, Satan defies the power of any authority but his own:

“While other creatures can forget their mission and live casually within the bounds established for them, Satan, God-obsessed, confronts his limits at every turn: every aspect of the crated order that he encounters provokes knowledge of his antagonism” (Toliver 56).

Contrary to his own character, however, Satan expects to be an authoritative figure to those angels who have followed him: “…Nor did they not perceive the evil plight in which they were, or the fierce pains not feel, yet to their General’s voice they soon obeyed Innumerable” (1.335-338).

Even though we never actually read a passage where Satan places himself, verbally, above the others, there is a clear leadership which they all respect. Perhaps it is because of his leadership in the war against Heaven or maybe they just fear him. Either way, there is very clearly Satan above the others: “Satan exalted sat, by merit raised to that bad eminence; and, from despair thus uplifted beyond hope, aspires beyond thus high, insatiate to pursue vain war in Heaven” (2.5-9). This authority never seems to waver.

The way that Satan regards his children is something that we can see change. When he first meets Sin and Death, he appears repulsed: “On the other side, incensed with indignation, Satan stood unterrified” (2. 707-709). His daughter has to explain to him how she, Sin, and their son, Death, came to be, since it appears that he does not remember.

This meeting could be seen as the turning point for Satan. Although he had certainly shown signs of what his nature was soon to be, it is in this passage that he really steps away from the all that was good and admits the will he has for his own life:

“Alone and without guide, half lost, I seek what readiest path leads where your gloomy bounds confine with Heaven… Direct my course: Directed, no mean recompense it brings to your behoof, if I that region lost, all usurpation thence expelled, reduce to her original darkness… and once more erect the standard there of ancient Night; yours be the advantage all, mine the revenge! (2.975-977+980-987).
By the end of Paradise Lost, Satan openly claims his children, even sending them to Heaven as representatives:

“Thus the Prince of Darkness answered glad: ‘Fair daughter, and thou, son, and grandchild both, high proof ye now have given to be the race of Satan (For I glory in the name Antagonist of Heaven’s Almighty King)’” (5.383-387).

He no longer repels Sin and Death but welcomes them to his legions, prepared to use them for his own glory and what he hopes will later be the downfall of God.

Satan only becomes worse. His actions, damnable from the start, become worse and worse. The hesitance to ruin the perfection and beauty he sees is shortened with each occurrence. In book four, there is still a great tension, as though Satan is still not quite sure of what evil he is capable. He continues to be confused by the transformation that has taken place: “Satan, now first enflamed with rage, came down… Now conscience wakes despair that slumbered, wakes up the bitter memory of what he was, what is, and what must be worse” (4. 9+23-26). This passage makes it quite apparent that Satan is recognizing his own degradation. This progression gives him unrest. Perhaps it is this that leads him to deny God as his creator:

“The Apostate… thus replied: ‘That we were formed, then, say’st thou? and the work of secondary hands, by task transferred from Father to his Son? Strange point and new! Doctrine which we know whence learnt; who saw when this creation was?’” (5.852-857).

This seems to say that we cannot just believe something because we are told it to be true. This quote is commented on by C.S. Lewis, who points out the absurdity of what is being said:
“If a creature is silly enough to try to prove that it was not created, what is more natural than for it to say, ‘Well, I wasn’t there to se it being done’? Yet what more futile, since in this admitting ignorance of its own beginnings it proves that those beginnings lay outside itself” (97+98).

Satan denouncing the creation of himself by God marks another decline in the progression downward. It is another way in which Satan tries to become his own deity, putting himself on the same level, if not above, God. He begins to use his abilities as an angel to his own advantage, which shocks the celestial angels: “ ‘O Heaven! That such resemblance of the Highest should yet remain, where faith and realty remain not’” (6. 114-116).

His wrongdoings provoke Michael, the archangel, into speaking against him, as they fight for honor: “ ‘Author of Evil, unknown till thy revolt, unnamed in Heaven, now plenteous, as thou seest, these acts of hateful strife - hateful to all, though heaviest, by just measure, on thyself and thy adherents’” (6.262-266). It is when Michael wounds Satan that he realizes he is not of the same ilk of God he so wished to be: “Shame to find himself not matchless, and his pride humbled by such rebuke, so far beneath his confidence to equal God in power” (6.341-344).

There is even evidence of a physical change. Satan is often described as he once was:
“ ‘Think not… thy shape the same, or undiminished brightness, to be known as when thou stood’st in Heaven upright and pure. That glory then, when thou no more wast good, departed from thee; and thou resembles now thy sin and place of doom obscure and foul’” (4.835-840).

We see, especially in book two, that Satan is described as glorious - a beautiful, magnificent thing to behold; yet, his appearance, as he uses it to deceive Eve, seems to become tinged with the evil that he is trying to give a foothold: “Thence up he flew, and on the Tree of Life… sat like a cormorant (Emphasis added), yet not true life thereby regained, but sat devising death to them who lived” (4.194-198). His descriptions are more evidently evil, and though his ability to follow through with his plan to ruin Man might falter, his intentions are never in doubt: “Back to the thicket slunk the guilty serpent” (9.784-785); however, we do notice that although he changes in the perception of the ethereal, Eve cannot see through his deception so easily:

“The Serpent wise, or not restrained as we are or not obeying, hath eaten of the fruit, and is become, not dead as we are threatened, but thence forth endued with human voice and human sense, reasoning to admiration and with me persuasively hath so prevailed” (9. 867-872).

Should we suppose that the human eyes cannot see through Satan‘s deception? No. It was not only Eve who did recognize him for what he was. The guards whom Satan confused also did not recognize him. They were unable to perceive the double meanings or to comprehend the way Satan twisted words to mean something other than they had been said to mean: “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?’” (Gen.3.1).

In Paradise Regained, we get a picture of Satan which is still deceiving and even more sinister:

“Now an ancient man in rural weeds, following, as seemed, the quest of some stray ewe, or withered sticks to gather, which might serve against winter’s day when winds blow keen, to warm him wet returned from field at eve, he saw approach, who first with curious eye perused him” (1.314-320).

There is this physical degradation that we see taking place, and not only us - the characters have also pointed it out. This is heavy evidence that there is a marked change in Satan that is worth taking the time to notice. If nothing else, the admiration he receives from Sin and Death should worry us: “Sin opening, who thus now to Death began: ‘O Son, why sit we here, each other viewing idly, while Satan, our great author, thrives in other worlds, and happier seat provides for us, his offspring dear?’” (10. 234-238).

Probably the greatest evidence that one might use to say that Satan has not developed is the way his emotions play out. In book four, he is clearly feeling bitter about his position compared to that of the other angels:

“I, therefore, I alone, first undertook to wing the desolate abyss, and spy this new-created World, whereof in Hell fame is not silent, here in hope to find better abode, and my afflicted Powers to settle here on Earth, or in mid Air; though for possession put to try once more what thou and thy gay legions dare against, whose easier business were to serve their Lord high up in Heaven, with songs to hymn his throne, and practiced distances to cringe, not fight” (935-945).

These words of bitterness are counted by another angel, who makes reference to Satan’s unrest while he was still welcome in Heaven: “And thou, sly hypocrite, who now wouldst seem Patron of liberty, who more than thou once fawned, and cringed, and servilely adored Heaven’s awful Monarch?” (4.957-960). This bitterness and anger seems to always hover, controlled as well as can be, beneath the surface of Satan’s every word and action. When he tempts Eve, it may not be so obvious in appearance, but the undertone of his words and actions cannot hide his true purpose: To destroy:
“Satan revives, collects his host, decides upon revenge, escapes upon revenge, escapes from Hell, ascends through Chaos, comes to the Universe, to the Earth, to Eden, to Paradise, to Adam and Eve. Each step brings him closer to his intended prey and heightens the sense of impending danger… His attack on Eve’s fancy has come to infect her will; we realize the Fall itself is imminent” (Ogden 316+320).

This sense of impending doom that Ogden describes is one of the bigger reasons some believe Satan is evil from the start; however, it might be good to consider that people often read with presuppositions. We know, even if we have limited knowledge of the scriptures, that Satan will tempt Eve, and we know that she will succumb; however, if one were to read this poem without having any knowledge of who Satan is, it is quite possible that Satan would be seen quite differently: As a fallen angel who progressively becomes blacker with the bitterness he can’t seem to choke. If one read it also without any knowledge of God, he or she might even find Satan justified in his actions (Do we really see evidence that he was not mistreated while in Heaven?). Sadly, we would be hard-pressed to find anyone with no knowledge of Satan or God.

Milton created a masterpiece with Paradise Lost. He took a risk by expounding on a story that is well known. He risked not only the possible anger of those who could not believe he had the gall to take such liberties, but he also risked that people might come to the poem with presuppositions, not taking the story of Satan as though it were of just another character. If Satan were called John, and we really believed him to be only John, we would spend the first four books yelling ‘Don’t do it!’ Satan never receives this good will, however, because the reader knows who and what he is; he is an immediate threat. This is not a weak point on the part of Milton. He was very clear in his writing and the way he presented Satan. It is the reader who must come to the story with an open mind. By no means are we going to find Satan the unfortunate angel who did all he could to do right, by the end of the poem, but we do find that he is not immediately the enemy. Milton gave us a beautiful illustration of the dangers that can come to those who put themselves above God and fight Him for that place - the disintegration of that creature’s morals and character. Satan is the ultimate tragic hero whose strength as a character is lost within the conjecture of the knowledgeable reader. We should remember, as we approach such a story as this, to keep an open mind and be ready for whatever journey the creator chooses. To truly understand and appreciate the strength of a story such as that in Paradise Lost, we must be willing to leave our history at the door and look at it with newborn eyes.