What do you do when you suffer? This is a question I often ask myself, because I tend to suffer a lot. Mind you, I know many people who suffer WAY more than I do; this is what I tell myself as I say: “I’m fine. I have no right to complain.” There is also the urge to just keep it all to myself, because me suffering means that others might feel a need to help me in some way. This means asking others to sacrifice for me which is something I would never ask for.
Right now, I’m dealing with the type of pain I probably hate the most: back spasms. You may know the feeling. You’re fine one minute and then next, you’re gripping the closest thing to you because it feels like several knives are stabbing into your back and twisting to bring the most acute pain possible. Some people only have lower or upper back problems. I tend to feel pain between my shoulders, below the right side of my ribcage, underneath each shoulder blade, and often between several vertebra in at least three places (I never do things halfway :)). I have waves of spasms, often lasting a minute or two, then my back relaxes for a few minutes, then it all starts again. When I first begin to feel pain, these waves will be several minutes apart. After awhile, they come close together, eventually so that one wave of pain leads into another fairly quickly. As the waves become longer and are closer together, the tension moves into my legs. At this point in the game, I am unable to walk. Talking is next to impossible, because taking a deep breath triggers a shooting pain through my back and legs, and catching a breath isn’t that easy, either. This often lasts three to six hours before the waves begin to taper off, only happening every few minutes, until I am blessed with sleep (unfortunately, I can’t sleep when the pain is going on). Needless to say, the next day, I am completely exhausted. Take pain medication, you say! For some reason, I haven’t found anything that relieves the pain. At the moment, I’m entering the middle stage.
So why tell you this? Just a little: because talking about it helps, and taking the time to type this is a welcome – though not complete – distraction, although when a wave comes, I’m unable to type. Mostly: I want to encourage you. How does that work, exactly? I read a verse in my devotions, this evening, from Psalm 119:50: “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” Despite the fact this pain completely sucks, I have God’s promises to cling to. What are those promises? Well, He’s given me many of them. One I will share with you: that I will not always endure this type of pain. Death might be what relieves me, but I’m inclined to believe that He will deliver me a bit sooner than that. Why is that important? Well, knowing that I am not alone in my suffering, I hope to bless others while I battle through it. As much as I hate it, I have a chance to help others. I pray that people will see that although I deal with things that people my age just don’t deal with, I also have the grace of God and brothers and sisters who help me get through anything. I’m never alone. My pain is a symbol of hope to me, because I realize that, eventually, it will be gone forever, and also I learn just how much God shows me through my pain. I also hope to influence others who suffer and feel as though their pain is too much to bear. I know how much fun it is to be in pain all the time. I do my very best not to let it affect the way I treat others and live my life (admittedly, this is really hard, and I often fail). I want you to know, as someone who loves you, that I’ll be okay :). As much as I hate all this, and as much as I loathe fighting through it when I would much rather flop down (gently) and give up, I have a chance to show people how much of a crutch God isn’t. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and I desire for others to see that. I can name people who suffer and tell you how much they rely on that strength simply by their attitudes. May my attitude towards pain always lead you to Christ and never away from Him. After all, He knows exactly how I feel, and He hasn’t given up on me yet.
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