Some of my friends are aware of my great struggles, these past several months, with dreadful pain and health. I am used to pain, because it is pretty much a way of life to me. It is a rare day when I don't hurt; however, I have recently been in much worse shape than usual. I feel like Satan is really fighting me. He knows that I prefer to hide my pain, and the more I try to hide it, the more I suffer. The more I suffer, the more I have to hide. It's a vicious cycle, and it is very much due to two things which I somehow came to accept as truths in my life:
1) Pain is something I will always have to live with. It is my way of life, and there is nothing I can do about it.
2) If other people know about my pain, they will also suffer; I must do all I can to hide my pain, thus allowing others to live without sharing in my suffering.
Through lots of prayer and talk with some friends - one in particular - I have come to realize that there are two things which are true, and they cancel out those things which I had accepted as truth:
1) Pain does not have to be a way of life. If God chooses to let me witness through my pain, so be it, but I should not automatically accept that without His expressed guidance.
2) When I am suffering, I can not do it alone. People were made to nurture and help one another. We are even told to bear one another's burdens. How can we do that if we are not truthful about our burdens?
So - Here's the deal. I need help. I need you to pray for me. Satan really wants me to feel weak and alone when I know in my heart that there are many brothers and sisters out there who are willing to help me through this. Honestly, I am tired of the pain... feeling alone... especially when I know that being alone is an illusion :).
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