Clothes to Live On

Recently, when we had a couple sisters come to visit, we had a time when we asked random questions for everyone to answer – as a way to have fun getting to know one another better. One of Benny’s questions was: “If you had several hundred dollars, what would you buy?” I said I would sell all my clothes and buy a new wardrobe – with clothes that actually fit, colours I like, and having fewer actual items but more diversity in types of clothing. I have a specific style I like, though I don’t often dress that way, because I can’t talk myself into buying more clothes when I already have some, even if they don’t fit well or aren’t a style I like.

As often happens, I dwelled on my answer the next day, wondering if it were possible. It occurred to me that it was absolutely possible. For several hours, I sketched out a list I entitled: “Clothes to live on.” In it, I specified exactly what types I would have and in what colour and quantity. Here are a few examples:

5 blouses (white, black, red, brown, navy)

5 skirts (denim, 2 Sunday, white, black)

3 slacks (brown, black, grey)

I was detailed, down to the amount of shoes (5!), keeping a maximum of five in anything, and less than that as much as I could. My aim was to have a basic colour theme, style, and to downsize as much as possible. I was incredibly excited about my list and showed it to Benny, practically gushing about how it would be beneficial, and telling him I planned to actually go through with it. How? By going through everything I owned and keeping only what was on my list. If I didn’t have something, I would keep something close to that with the plan to later replace it with what I actually want. Whenever I buy clothes from now on, they are not being acquired; they are replacing.

Why am I so excited about this? There are several reasons. First, many of the things I have fit me poorly. I’ve lost 50 pounds in the past two years – fourty of that fairly quickly – so much of what I have has been too big and more of a frustration than a help. Second, I don’t like buying things I feel I don’t need. If I get rid of everything I don’t need, I’ll only be buying when I truly need something. This means I’ll be buying less, I won’t feel bad about spending more on good quality, and I’ll only own things I absolutely love. Lastly, I’ve often felt badly for owning things in excess when I know they could be of use to others. When I’m selling or giving away my excess, I’m challenging myself to be less materialistic, and I’m helping other people.

When I told Benny about my plan, he agreed it was a good idea, and he decided to join me! He wrote a separate list of “Clothes to live on,” with effectively the same boundaries I had used. His reasons for wanting to do so were essentially the same as mine, and we both felt it could be a rewarding and freeing endeavour. And perhaps we'll find we can get away with even less (I secretly hope so).

All that said, we’ve already begun sorting through clothes deciding what is worth trying to sell, what to throw away, and what to keep. We also can veto if someone is about to throw something away his/her spouse especially likes to see him/her wearing. Some things are harder to give up than others, but we’re excited to follow through to the end. 

Things I Wish People Had Told Me Before I Married

I will be honest with you; not many people told me things that were actually helpful before I got married. It became really easy to identify who would give me what sort of advice. The ones who had gone through several serious marital (or nearly marital) relationships would “wish me luck” with a sarcasm that said their relationships had been poisonous, so I should expect that too. The ones who had worked through a marriage that was difficult always said that the rose-coloured glasses would come off, and I was in for a rough life. People who were happy in their marriage were most genuine in wishing me a blessed future, usually saying – quite honestly – that marriage is hard, sometimes, but also a great joy. When I married, the advice had been so inconsistent, I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I found that all of the advice and none of it truly applied to us. There were some things, however, that I wished people had told me before I married; since people are marrying every day, I wanted to share these things and hopefully help others either about to be married, new to marriage, or perhaps even wrinkling. The list is, of course, determined by my personal experiences, so it won’t apply exclusively.

1.      People say that if you act in the way you want your partner to act, they will change. I think a lot of women translate this to “if I always serve my husband well in this action, he will serve me well in ____” Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. You have to actually say: “I consider this service to be an equal to this service. Even though it’s hard for me to ____, I do that out of love for you. I know ______ is hard for you, but could you sacrifice a little in honour of mine?” It isn’t selfish to ask for what you want as long as you’re willing to allow your spouse to ask for what he or she wants.

2.      We’ve all heard that we shouldn’t nag and we need to love our spouses in spite of faults, but you occasionally need to lecture each other. You don’t have parents, anymore, who can tell you your motives are off, your actions are childish, or you’re doing something wrong. The hard thing is to choose those lectures well, and I will emphasize the word sparingly. You might only need to say one sentence, depending on how well you phrase and communicate what you’re saying. Make sure you aren’t being accusatory, have the right motives, and be certain that you’re actually pointing out something that will make a permanent difference in your lives. You don’t need to lecture your spouse about not doing the dishes or remembering a promise, because those are temporary and can be fixed gently. You may need to call attention to ways that your spouse handles stress or manipulates you, with or without realizing.

3.      And here’s the one that might make people uncomfortable, but I’m going to say it anyway, because it has been vital to my own marriage and is applicable to all marriages: have sex as often as the spouse with the highest sex drive wants to have sex. Better yet, if one of you feels the inclination, it had better happen. This will be really hard for the person with the lower sex drive. There is no way around it, because you are two people with two different brains and two different bodies. Why do I emphasize this so strongly? Because infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce. Adultery on the side of the man is a little more complicated than that (my next point), but in general, why shouldn’t you err on the safe side? Paul says people should marry so that they don’t have to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). If your spouse is interested in sex and you say you aren’t interested or you’re tired, they will desire a release elsewhere, even if that wouldn’t be their first inclination. Obviously, the first inclination was to share passion with you! It is a sacrifice, but it’s worth it.

4.      Men aren’t made like women. Relationships to women are permanent, lasting, and are maintained even over long distances. To men, they are temporary, and it’s not so important to keep friends as to have them. When a woman moves from Arkansas to Colorado, she’s going to keep in touch with all her friends and probably make new ones. A guy will just make new friends and often not worry too much about past ones. All this to say: most men aren’t unfaithful because they want to be. Because men and women view relationships so differently, I would imagine that many couples deal with unfaithfulness on some level or other, whether it be looking at pictures of other women, watching pornography, wanting other women (fleetingly or not), or sleeping with them. This is something that women, as wives, teach their husbands – to value the relationship and remember that it is meant to be maintained over time. And they will probably have to do it multiple times. Wives, it is crushing, and it will break your heart, but it isn’t because he doesn’t love you or want you. He just needs to learn to constantly remind himself that he chose you, and by choosing you, he chose to forsake all others. And you can help by reminding him and being understanding and loving when he slips.

There are other things, of course, that have been helpful, such as “Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind.” Oh, yes. I needed that one. Or, my personal favourite: “your spouse will do things that drive you crazy. Get over it.” Essentially, marriage is hard in that people are selfish beings. When you aim to serve your spouse in your marriage, it seems like every hardship is smoothed over as a result of service itself. If something is hard, it’s probably because one of you is holding on to something and refusing to step out of the “safe” or “comfortable” zone. Once you recognize that, you can attack a problem by seeking out whatever may be holding you back and fixing it.

And speaking of service, I should fix my husband’s lunch. 

Sarah Time

When I married Benny, I was prepared for it to be super hard for us to live together - really, really hard. We were both surprised when it felt natural and pleasing to be married and to live together. We’ve speculated as to why this is. Perhaps it was rooted in that we both came from big families and had experience in adapting to living with other people. Our temperaments are both inclined toward solving a problem immediately rather than letting it fester. We both value communicating everything clearly, so even our discussions infringed with disagreement are careful and forgiving. Neither of us enjoy conflict, but we handle it by confronting it rather than avoiding it. For example, this afternoon, I told Benny I didn’t like the way he was handling a specific issue. He was quiet, expressed his anger at what I said while in the same breath admitting that I was right in what I said. That was the end of the conversation, and it is one example of how we consistently approach such problems.

This isn’t to say it’s easy to be married. We have individual and mutual struggles with different aspects of our lives, but the peace with which we handle things dims them significantly. The thing we have struggled with the most is a constant battle for us – face time. This is mostly a problem because we think of it differently. Benny is happy to sit and do homework with me in the room. I need him to talk to me – to give me his undivided attention for it to be valuable and worthy to me. It wasn’t until he started the school year that it became a real problem. I was starving for attention, and it felt selfish to ask him to put aside time to spend with me when he was so busy. When the first trimester ended, I was so relieved I soaked up the month of December like a thirsty plant. When the winter term started, I was depressed and moody, and not really sure why. It finally hit me that I didn’t feel like a priority to Benny, anymore. I told him this, explaining that I felt like I was drowning without his attention. He was gone so much and so busy when he was home, I felt alone even when he was there. Desperate, I begged for half an hour a day of his undivided attention. As soon as he understood why I had been so distant and upset, he apologized and said he would fix the problem. Pulling out his school schedule, he penciled in fourty-five minutes to an hour of “Sarah Time” every day of the week. We never start a minute early and rarely go late, but that time is mine to do with him as I please.

This trimester, I have different “Sarah Time” hours/minutes arranged for every day, but they are some of the most precious minutes of my day. Some people may feel like being in a schedule is offensive, but to me it signifies that I am important enough to my husband that he puts aside everything else to love me with his focus. I’ve also come to realize that, when the rare occasion calls for it, Benny will extend the time as long as I need it. This week, when I felt completely lost, swallowed in sorrow and doubt, he spent an entire evening loving me with his time, never once making me feel guilty for the homework he wasn’t finishing and the class he was missing. Yes, I treasure my “Sarah Time,” and I’m thankful I have a husband who understands why it’s so important.

Confession in the Church and Why It's Important

James 5:16: “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”

I’ve been thinking about this verse the past week because of some things going on in my life – mainly because it was brought up during a Bible study. Confessions can be a touchy subject. We would rather not unload all our issues for other Christians to hear, thus maiming our image of perfection. Frankly, I’m not sure we always care to hear about what other Christians are struggling with, either. This is a sad truth, because we are hurting ourselves and one another.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about confession to a priest. Although there may be a time for that, the verse I referenced is talking about the church as a whole. It also wouldn’t make sense, in terms of being able to pray for one another, to talk about our sins in secret. The whole purpose of confessing to others is so we can say: “Hey, I’ve really struggled with this sin, and it’s making my Christian walk difficult,” and know that not only will our brothers and sisters in Christ pray for us, but they will be there to support and love us. Maybe we could even keep one another better accountable, specifically asking, on a regular basis: “How has your fight against ____ been going?” There are many advantages to this way of communicating sin.

First, it reminds us that we all struggle with things – that we are, in a sense, equal. I remember confessing a sin to Benny, and he was relieved to realize that I wasn’t any more perfect than he was. If we could always see sin as something that everyone deals with, we wouldn't feel so alone.

Second, it doesn’t allow us to hide and bury our sins, which makes us responsible for amending. This is important, because hiding sin is dangerous, even if we confess it to God. Sometimes, we can confess to Him without really having the incentive to change. When we confess aloud to others, it makes us accountable for change.

Lastly, admitting you have a problem is a big part of recovering. I realize that’s a well known idea, but it’s well known because it’s so true. When I confess a struggle, it becomes easier to deal with, because I’m more aware of the ways I struggle and can be more on guard in avoiding them.

What does this mean for me? I wish it meant that the Christians in my life would understand why this is so important and begin gathering for this purpose. I already confess, daily, to my husband, but sometimes I wish I could admit to others the problems I face. It is uplifting to be loved by people despite your faults, and I yearn to share in the struggles of others. Why? Scripture commands this of me, and rightly so.

Galatians 6:2: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Waiting for the Wedding Night

A very good friend of mine posted this link, on Facebook, with the following comment:

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/

"This article is an excellent example of how the social construct of "virginity" can turn someone into a holier-than-thou asshole. It is also my expert opinion that this guy has a small penis."

Now, I rarely get into arguments on Facebook. It's not that I never write anything offensive, because I do quite a bit, I just don't see the point of making people angry when they already know, by the way I live, that I don't see eye to eye with them. Most of my friends are from the secular atmophere, and I've come to accept them, despite their faults, and show them Christ by my love. They know I accept them - not their sin - and it is this fact which has earned me friends of all colours. This type of article and sarcastic comment I would usually pass over, ignoring the inner contradictions, but this time, the issue was too important to me to say nothing. This was what I replied:

"First, I just want to say that this guy is an idiot. The article is badly written and offensive for the sake of being offensive rather than trying to simply explain why waiting is worth it. I mean, I waited; Benny waited… and our sexual relationship is anything but awkward. The wedding night itself wasn’t even airbrushed by anxiety or nervousness about potentially bad performance – on either side – because we were so excited to give ourselves completely to one another. The fact that we could enjoy that union without even considering anything like negative “Sex with _____was so much more satisfying” or even positive: “Man, he’s way better than ____.” We didn’t have a set of sexual standards in our heads that the other person had to meet, and it was a relief to both of us that we would never be measured, sexually, based upon the experience of the other.

Also, we are both so eager to please one another that we never think: “Wow, I wish I had more experience with lots of people so that I knew a lot of technique.” Actually, just having one another has meant that we are learning the needs, impulses, and pleasures of the other. Every day, we learn how to better please one another. It’s a really awesome gift, and I’m very glad I waited. I mean, even if I had just slept with Benny before we married, there would have been no awesome wedding night, because all the anticipation of waiting and the build of tension is lost.

I’m not condemning people who don’t wait, contrary to this guy. I mean, I think it’s a wonderful idea, and I think everyone should wait, but I understand that there are a lot of things that contribute to loss of virginity, and I can’t shun people for being human. I’ve done poorly in other areas that I’m not proud of, so I definitely am not better than them.

Mostly, this is what I think: sex is awesome, and it’s worth waiting for the perfect moment."

Other Blog...

I realized, recently, that this blog is so different in purpose than my other blog that I have never linked the two. This blog is completely random in design and purpose; however, the other one is specifically a poetry blog, where I "showcase" my current poetry projects and experiment with juxtaposing music and poetry, which I think is a beautiful art. So, here is the link! If you enjoy poetry of any sort, you'll probably find something you like. Some is very dark, some is funny, some is purely experimental:

http://kinshop.blogspot.com/

Attending an Antipodal Church

Now, just to clarify before I even start, this post is not meant to bash another church, theology, or even to say which one is right or wrong. I do have certain beliefs which will show, because it is inevitable that one often thinks he or she is right. I only want to share my thoughts on how it feels to attend a church that is founded on theology about as opposite of mine as you can get in the protestant group.

~~~~~

There are various things one will look for in a church. Some look for fellowship, others look for a good children’s program, some look for a specific denominational background. You can’t look for a perfect church, because if you happen to find one, you would ruin it by joining. When Benny moved to Appleton, almost a year ago, I told him I trusted him to pick a church for us to attend after we married. This, I knew, was to take a risk, because although we basically agree theologically, he paid a lot less attention to it than I did. You can imagine how nervous I was when he called me, excited about this church he had found and thought would be a perfect fit for us, and told me it was an Orthodox Presbyterian Church.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not saying that I don’t like being exposed to other denominations. I’ve experience the worship and teachings of various ones, including – at least three full length services, often more – Nazarene, Baptist, Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Bible Missionary, Congregational, Evangelical, Methodist, etc. I was raised Wesleyan-Arminian in a non-denominational church. When asked what denomination I am, I always give the same answer: I’m Wesleyan-Arminian Congregational (not Roman) Catholic Baptist Nazarene Methodist. Is this a cop-out? Nope. I simply understand that my theology and how I follow Christ can be traditionally seen in each of those denominations, if not seen in the present time.

Why this explanation? Mostly to illustrate how different the church I was raised in is from the one I now attend. I went from a Wesleyan church to a Calvinist church (glad I knew my TULIP well…). I’ve attended close to two months of services in this church, now, and have had some thoughts on what I truly value in a church.

First, and most importantly, I value a church in which the pastor is a genuine shepherd. This means that the pastor has studied his doctrine and church history well and desires to impregnate his congregation with those doctrines and traditions which he believes have been fundamental. In other words, he believes firmly in what he stands on and desires to hold his flock to the standards which he believes God has biblically founded. A pastor who additionally pulls no punches is an excellent pastor to have.

Second, I value a church in which great importance is placed on the family. This can be seen in many ways, but it is always clear when the family is important to the church. Partly it is seen within the literal families but mostly in the blood-washed family. A church where there is clear fellowship, love, and a desire to serve one another is a church where I cannot help but feel blessed.

Third, despite of (or in spite of?) any differences in doctrine which may be present, it is clear that the people there yearn to serve God with all their heart, soul, strength, and mind. I believe that anyone who truly serves God and longs to serve Him better every day will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, despite what doctrines he may hold. Although I deem your doctrine is incredibly important, I do not believe it saves you – but nor does it keep you from the throne of grace. I follow God to the best of my abilities, and I believe that my doctrines are scriptural. I know many who differ in doctrine but live with that aim as well, thus I cannot condemn them but rather wish them many blessings.

Attending this church has been a challenge, in several ways, but I have found it to be a place of peace as much as the church in which I grew up. God is preached there. I don’t feel persecuted or hindered by the differences in such a way that I am unable to worship. In fact, I find the differences strengthening my faith and encouraging me. I am fed, for each of us comes knowing we have fallen short of the glory of God and desperately need His strength for every step to come.

In Christ.