Sarah Time

When I married Benny, I was prepared for it to be super hard for us to live together - really, really hard. We were both surprised when it felt natural and pleasing to be married and to live together. We’ve speculated as to why this is. Perhaps it was rooted in that we both came from big families and had experience in adapting to living with other people. Our temperaments are both inclined toward solving a problem immediately rather than letting it fester. We both value communicating everything clearly, so even our discussions infringed with disagreement are careful and forgiving. Neither of us enjoy conflict, but we handle it by confronting it rather than avoiding it. For example, this afternoon, I told Benny I didn’t like the way he was handling a specific issue. He was quiet, expressed his anger at what I said while in the same breath admitting that I was right in what I said. That was the end of the conversation, and it is one example of how we consistently approach such problems.

This isn’t to say it’s easy to be married. We have individual and mutual struggles with different aspects of our lives, but the peace with which we handle things dims them significantly. The thing we have struggled with the most is a constant battle for us – face time. This is mostly a problem because we think of it differently. Benny is happy to sit and do homework with me in the room. I need him to talk to me – to give me his undivided attention for it to be valuable and worthy to me. It wasn’t until he started the school year that it became a real problem. I was starving for attention, and it felt selfish to ask him to put aside time to spend with me when he was so busy. When the first trimester ended, I was so relieved I soaked up the month of December like a thirsty plant. When the winter term started, I was depressed and moody, and not really sure why. It finally hit me that I didn’t feel like a priority to Benny, anymore. I told him this, explaining that I felt like I was drowning without his attention. He was gone so much and so busy when he was home, I felt alone even when he was there. Desperate, I begged for half an hour a day of his undivided attention. As soon as he understood why I had been so distant and upset, he apologized and said he would fix the problem. Pulling out his school schedule, he penciled in fourty-five minutes to an hour of “Sarah Time” every day of the week. We never start a minute early and rarely go late, but that time is mine to do with him as I please.

This trimester, I have different “Sarah Time” hours/minutes arranged for every day, but they are some of the most precious minutes of my day. Some people may feel like being in a schedule is offensive, but to me it signifies that I am important enough to my husband that he puts aside everything else to love me with his focus. I’ve also come to realize that, when the rare occasion calls for it, Benny will extend the time as long as I need it. This week, when I felt completely lost, swallowed in sorrow and doubt, he spent an entire evening loving me with his time, never once making me feel guilty for the homework he wasn’t finishing and the class he was missing. Yes, I treasure my “Sarah Time,” and I’m thankful I have a husband who understands why it’s so important.