Introduction: Before I write a sentence about what I plan to address, I want to briefly say this: I am in no way an expert on Autism – or any other neural development disorder I may mention. I am basing my opinions upon hours of research, yes, and the copious amount of time I’ve spent with such children and adults, but I realize that these things don’t make me right. This essay is actually a watered down idea I’ve been considering and preparing to write for several years. I write about it not because I want to make others seem silly/stupid or because I want to seem smart… but I have a theory that I think is important to think about, and I believe it may be applicable to other situations.
This essay is all about challenging definitions. One definition, actually: the definition of love. Now, I’m not talking about the typical arguments about how romantic love is not the same as familial love is not the same as philia (love between friends) is not the same as eros (erotic love) is not the same as agape (a love only experienced through God). Am I crazy? Definitely, because I’m about to say something fanatical: love is not dimensional. What do I mean by that? Basically, that love cannot be measured, weighed, or limited by our minds. It is limitless and cannot be defined by any one factor except that it is what sets us apart from animals, thus it serves as the copyright of God on our souls. This is incredibly important to understand, because it means that you cannot assume you know every aspect from which it can be seen.
Now for the other bookend: autism. I have studied this and many similar disorders with great interest for six or seven years, reading about upcoming treatments, possible causes, and whatever else I can find. I have worked with them extensively, as well. One of the classifying definitions of autism is emotional detachment. Basically, it is believed that autistic children are unable to understand and communicate emotions. In other words, autistic children are said to be unable to love.
When I first started reading about this particular aspect of autism, I felt incredibly sad for the parents of such children. I thought it must be horrible – almost unbearable – to raise a child who was incapable of loving or understanding love. It was the aspect of this order which held the most interest for me, because I was curious about how parents dealt with that. The accounts I read were heartbreaking, and my sympathies grew. However, I also realized that I was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with the definition. There were several reasons for this.
1. In all my work with autistic children, their responses to individuals, though abnormal in comparison with other children, differed according to whom they had received the most loving treatment. They weren’t necessarily more kind, but they might sit next to them when playing, watch them more carefully than others, or show some other sign of watchful attention.
2. We are said to be created in the image of God. 1st John 4:7-8 states: “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” If you believe the Bible to be infallible, if you believe that anyone can enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, and if you believe that God is just, then it is impossible for you to believe that anyone is born unable to love.
3. Love is not limited by our definition. If God is love, and this is as inexplicable as the Holy Trinity or as eternity. They exist, we see evidences of them, and we even can almost explain them, but there are aspects of these things which cannot be illustrated in a way that our brains can comprehend.
Taking these three things into account, I had to challenge my own assumptions, because I realized that I had believed my entire life that love was shown through communication of emotions, desires, and service. When the wish for closeness and communication is absent, what is there left to love with? A great example of the limitations would be the five love languages: receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service (for more details, go here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/). These definitions can be helpful in communicating love to people who understand, but those with the inability to understand are left with nothing. Many autistic children like regularity, being alone, being in the quiet, etc. It is not in their “nature” to accept love as we define it.
Here is my challenge to you: who is to say that love can only be communicated in ways we understand? I think every person in this world is equally capable of showing love, but we have limited them because of our rigid understanding of how that can be displayed. I show love by hugging people, but I have quickly learned that many autistic children don’t want to be touched. They were not limited by their autism but rather by my definitions of how they should act. When I realized this, I learned to recognize and communicate love in ways they understood. And every child is different! It’s a learning process, as much as with developing any relationship.
Autistic children can’t love? Ridiculous. It’s time to recognize the limits of our definitions and allow them to express love in ways they understand. We might not be able to identify these acts of love, because their language is awkward to us, just as ours is awkward to them. Not understanding does not equal absence.
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