I
dreamed, last night, that I went back in time to when Benny and I
met. I don't know how I did it, I only know why. There were some
things I thought I could do better – like communicating with more honesty and openness and being less assuming about
what he was like before I actually knew him.
There
were some problems with my plan.
First of all, I was the only one who
knew what would happen between us. Having already gone through our
courtship-of-sorts, engagement, and two and a half years of marriage,
I was completely aware of where we would be headed. This
knowledge robbed our relationship of what I think was its most unique
and essential aspect: Benny pursuing me with no idea of romance or a
crush. He had noticed me, he has said before, because of my being a lady, and that had encouraged his approaching me. When I went
back, I was the one pursuing him. I knew already what would happen if
he pursued me, so why shouldn't it work the other way around? If you
know Benny very well at all, you can imagine the disaster that turned
into. He is so slow and careful in his decision making, he was not at
all receptive to my taking charge, nor did this allow his need to
fight for me to take place. That would be difficult for any man.
One
thing I also had not considered was that I was going back with all
the maturity I had gained over a period of five years. Benny did not
have such an advantage. Instead of going back to the man I know now,
I was interacting with Benny and a considerably lesser maturity
level. That was not at all easy to deal with. He grew so much in the two years between when we met and when we married, people would have a hard time recognizing him from one year to the next. It was truly impressive, and I wouldn't have married the man he was when we initially met.
It
also meant that all that time we spent getting to know one another
was lost. I already knew so much about him, we didn't need to write
the many letters asking each other questions that were so pivotal to
our relationship. I think we wrote nearly 100 letters back and forth before we got married, and that doesn't include emails, talking in person, chatting on Facebook, or phone calls. We got to know one another in a very short amount of time as a result of all the types of talking which took place. How would you react if someone started pursuing you, seeming to know way too much about you, and you have no clue what he or she is like?
How
did it end? I'm not really sure, because Benny woke me up to nurse
Ellie, but it wasn't going anywhere good. As tempting as it could
be to say I could make things better by going back, I think my dream
convinced me there would be much to lose, as well.
As
Benny said, when I told him about it: “It's like you were in the
Room of Consequence. Now you know better.”
